Dress Up

          Naomi has a new love for dressing up.
          She adds hula shirts uses story time dino feet
         and just makes up her own outfits from time
         to time.

         To the right is a picture of her making up an
         outfit.  I asked her what she was pretending
         and she told me that she is mommy.  She's
         wearing my cardigan and play glasses and
         apparently the alligator is a baby.

         Below is her on halloween... ignore the free
         hotdog in her hand.

        Next we come to the week after watching Marry Poppins... She came up with the hat
        scarf and pocket book all on her own.

        All the rest of these are just random days she asked to be 'Cinderella' or a princess.  Apparently
        all you need is a dress on top of your clothes to be a princess.  And yes Ben is dancing with
        Cinderella, don't worry I wasn't jealous.  I had too much fun laughing.  They had a great time!

Running, Weight Loss, and Health

So I've been loosing weight.  I've gone down 3 sizes over the past year.  I had 'baby weight' and inactivity weight that I had gained since high school.  At the most (fully pregnant) I was 60 pounds up from what I should be.  After I gave birth I was pretty quickly down to only 40 pounds overweight, the rest I had to work off (aided by nursing for 10+ months).

This past week I hit my healthy weight again.  That means over the last year I've lost 40 or more pounds.  People say 'I can't loose weight' or 'everything I try doesn't work'.  To that I say: you haven't tried the most simple and inevitable approach.  Calorie counting (accurately with measuring tools if necessary), exercise, and self-restraint.  YES it's hard, but it DOES work.

It might take a year or more, but the benefits are unbelievable!  I feel great.  I don't get tired doing daily activities.  I can chase my little (nearly) 3 year old until she can't run anymore.  I can run 5 miles!  and I fit into all those clothes I held onto for years hoping I could use them again.

I started running September last year.  I couldn't manage a mile then, but I've stuck with exercise and running and now I can run 5 miles.  I run 5 miles an hour, which isn't particularly fast.  My goal has been to be healthy and not waste money getting there.  That is how I decided to run, it's nearly free.  This Saturday I am running 6 miles.  I am training for a 10k (6.2 miles) on Thanksgiving.  I am excited to have a race to conclude my training.  I will continue to exercise after the race, but might not run more than once or twice every week or two.

I am not comfortable sharing my weight on here because most women aren't 6'2 and muscular like I am.  I had a body composition scan about 2 years ago and calculated what my weight should be by that.  I am at that weight and plan to loose 5-10 pounds more so that my weight can fluctuate and still stay in the healthy range.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and stare.  I can't believe I've finally done it.  Is it really me that looks like that?  I've seen changes while I've been working towards this and been encouraged by others.  I just want to say thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and noticed.  I have struggled with pride in this new look, so don't overdo it, but I am thankful for the notice and encouragement.  (Special thanks to  Becky D, Jen R, Betsy H, and Cori H who have been encouraging my running and noticing change regularly which has been a great help)

I did this to honor God with my body.  He gave me this body and I certainly should take care of it.  God designed me to look this way and even thought I've struggled in the past with my largeness I now realize that I am a healthy large woman.  I am part of the variety that God created and I am beautiful to God, my husband and myself.  It is so freeing not worrying about how my clothes fit me.  I don't have to change 10 times before leaving the house.  I am very thankful I've learn what healthiness should look and feel like and plan to stay healthy from now on.

I'm 24, I need to enjoy this body while it works as it should and bring God glory in doing so.

Thank you God for the way you designed my body and helping me to restore it to health.

Tough days

Today I woke up to 2 soiled kids.  Although with Naomi the potty training is pretty much complete she has accidents at bedtime and nap time.  Next I clean the kitchen while give the kids a rare treat to a veggie tales movie from the library... next Naomi comes in and says she has fuzz stuck to her hands.  I look and her fingers have clear polish on them and the living room has a strong odor of fingernail polish.  She reached up on one of the 'off limit' surfaces and grabbed the nail polish and decided she could do it without asking and by herself.  I think most of is on her nails, but she defiantly slung it around or something.    It's clear so it's been hard to find, but so far a beanbag chair the computer desk and yes the computer screen all have nail polish on them.  I might have gotten a tab bit more upset about it then I should, but I realized I was letting my emotions and feelings govern my parenting to much and just fed her lunch and sent her to bed.  I was so upset at the deliberate disobedience that I just needed to confine her away from me.  So nap time began more than an hour early with no toys or books.

Now to finish cleaning the kitchen and try to clean this mess up.  I might just let Ben clean the computer screen or decide to leave it how it is.  But first I'm going to go read my Bible and get my head back on the right way.

Fallen broken world. Hope?

Sometimes I just really hate living in a fallen broken world.  There are sickness neglect and so many hurtful things happening.  I'd be hopeless and in despair if I didn't know the future.  My hope is in the future.

My dad at 53 had a massive heart attach and his ejection fraction is at 20%.  I fight worry every time I think about him.  I do have hope and assurance.  I know my dad is a believer and if anything has assured me of that it has been the past 6 months and his reaction to this whole situation.  He constantly challenges my faith and how much I trust God.  I've seen God answer prayers prayed a long time ago.  God's power amazes me!  I hope I have many more years with my dad to see him grow and get to know the best parts of him.  I am glad God is changing me and I like others who God is changing and perfecting.

My Uncle has stage 3 cancer.  He had something like 45 lymph nodes, a vein and some muscle removed form his neck and shoulder area this week.  This is his second round with cancer and I'm really praying that God would use this in my families lives and heal my uncle.  My grandfather came to know Christ through a struggle with cancer and I hope good comes out of this.

I personally just have been so busy that I've not had enough time to reflect.  I think Ben was right when he decided to wait until next year to pursue foster care.  For those of you who do not know, we plan to start foster care next year some time and eventually (if it's God's will) we will adopt several kids.

I hate that there are kids out there who are just stuck in some system, I know I can help a few.  I can't help them all, but that shouldn't stop me from helping some.  I don't think I am the best parent, not by far.  But I have a hope and a future and I can share that even if I mess up all the time.  Sharing Christ with those who are 'without hope, dead inside' is something I am called to do.

I don't know that I ever realized I'd be a stay at home mom with a full time ministry in raising my own (and hopefully) other children.  I believe childhood is the most vulnerable stage of life and that reaching out to kids is very important.  I want to teach my kids and others about Christ love and power to change and save lives.

It makes me angry and sad and hurt when I see the state of this fallen world.  One day it will be made new and I want to bring others with me.  I am so thankful and in awe of Christ.

Sometimes I get so impatient waiting for that day, but then I remember that when it comes, it is the end-no more will be saved.  I have a small understanding of why God is allowing time to keep going, but I still want to be with him.  One day God will restore it all.

I'll leave you with this song:

My Lord, I did not choose You
For that could never be
My heart would still refuse You
Had You not chosen me
You took the sin that stained me
You cleansed me, made me new
Of old You have ordained me
That I should live in You

(Chorus) 
Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name
I was without hope and dead inside
But You chose to save my life

Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my darkened mind
The world would have enthralled me
To Your glories I’d be blind
My heart knows none above You
For Your rich grace I thirst
I know that if I love You
You must have loved me first

Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name

Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name
I was without hope and dead inside
But You chose to save
I was without hope and dead inside
But You chose to save my life

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

August events

Josiah's Birthday Party - Check  Had lots of friends and family come and party.  Even without Apples to Apples we had fun.  

Josiah loved eating cake and all the kids loved his new toys.  We got little people toys and trucks, more cars and trucks, some clothes including a Reds outfit and Krusling made PJs (Hooray for both!), and a puppy toy that sings and  talks.  There were more toys too, but they aren't visible in the living room at the moment so I can't recall them.  Our house is getting neat and organized... I'll be glad to have visitors now!  

 We made foam mask ,'o)

Run 5k - Check.  My time wasn't amazing, but that is what happens when you don't give it your all.  Ben ran it also but didn't train and I think that had something to do with not having a good time.  

Visit Betsy (Elizabeth) - Check!  Had a blast with her and the kids and some friends that live there in Kansas.  10 hour drives are now not so overwhelming.  Cruise control would have been nice.  I drove 10 hours west in 9 hours... maybe cruise control would have helped me not to speed so much.  

Visit my Dad - SOON!  For those of you who don't know, he had a massive heart attack this past month and I want to make sure I don't keep putting off going out to visit him.  I have just been reminded how short life can be.  

June and July

Sister Married- Check










Preperation for Castle Chase 5k - Check

Lake trip - Check
     The Lake trip was so much fun!  Actually it was too much fun because I went tubing (where a speed boat drags you behind over wake waves) one to many times.  3 or 4 consecutive days of hanging on for dear life sent my shoulder and neck muscles into some serious spasms.  After 3 days of nearly continuos pain I went to the dr and was given steroids and muscle relaxers after he determined I hadn't broken anything.   They worked great but now I'm in withdraw.  Either that or I took a little too much advantage that I was on them

Ashlyn visit - Check


Train for 5k -   Progress
     I ran at least 10 times while Ashlyn was here and she even managed half mile runs a few times and walked/ran (but mostly walked) 3 miles.

Ashlyn Birthday - Check.   

  












  We went to the zoo with the Dostals and had a blast!  We made her a cake and bought her a bible and some clothes.  

Cling to truth

This past week I watched a great movie.  It's not a new movie, but I hadn't seen it...  Facing the Giants.  I heard it was good (by a dear friend-Stephanie Rudd).  I had been meaning to watch it for more than a year and took the opportunity this past week when I saw it in the redbox.  

If you haven't seen this movie it's good!  Sometimes we struggle to see how we can trust and serve God in everyday life.  You don't have to be a 'missonary' or pastor to serve God.  Be faithful  try your best and leave the results to God, what a great message!  


Do I trust God in every circumstance?  I would gladly say yes, but I can't because I don't know.  Over the years the reoccurring theme of trials for me has been trust.  It's primarily pride that causes me not to trust, but lately God has shown me my weaknesses and sin.  My pride has been reduced a few notches, but it's probably still there somewhere.  I'll be relearning this lesson again in a deeper way.  I am not discouraged by the fact that I (like a child) keep being told trust then having to learn it again.  In fact I can see the progress.  I've taken some steps forward and even though I take 1 step back every once in a while, on the whole I've been growing a lot.  I agree with Pastor Brad "Sheep stumble, and pigs wallow".  It's ok to stumble, just get back up and continue trying... eventually you'll know what to look out for and not step in those holes.  

I love this song, it reminds me that God is God in every situation.  

As Long as You Are Glorified

By Mark Altrogge

As recorded on Come Weary Saints and as found here.

Lyrics

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Chorus:
Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

Bridge:
So quiet my restless heart, quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart in You

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

Opening blind eyes

I've prayed to see my own sin for a while.  I vaguely prayed because I knew theoretically that I still sin and I needed to work on some areas.

Several months, almost a year passes with me only seeing small attitude problems and short non-festering sins.  In small group I express some of the issues I am trying to work out with my view of God.  Having taken a good bit of Bible classes in college I'd establish and thoroughly believed and was convicted of certain views.  To name a few: election (God chooses some to be his children), we are being made like Christ (we die a little and Christ grows in us), and our powerlessness.  I have a lot more established views, but those are the two I'd like to talk about today.

First a little wind on the fire (a story):

Given over to sin

Two weeks ago after small group we were heading home.  I was thirsty.  I told Ben I was really thirsty and I wanted him to stop for a drink.  This is not a normal request normally I'd just wait until we got home, but I was particularly thirsty.  The car ride home is 20 to 25 mins so asking wasn't ridiculous, but he just told me to wait.  I proceed to become a squeaky wheel.  I complained, and asked again.  With Ben the squeaky wheel just is annoying, it doesn't get oil.  I threatened to complain until I got my way and he was then stubborn, he would not stop.  (Side note: With Ben manipulation often has the intentional opposite effect on him.  He sees it more then even the manipulator and it causes him to rebel against it... he views it as insulting).  I just let my mind go and the sinful thoughts became unreasonable and severe.  By the time we got home I was filled with hate.  My heart was black ugly mean and utterly sinful.  I tried to pass it off like I felt possessed like I wasn't myself and asked how that could be.  Then the most amazing and hard to accept thing happened.  After telling Ben it felt like it wasn't my own thoughts going through my head, he boldly told me "but they are your thoughts".  For the first time I could not logic reason or manipulate my way out.   I realized he was right and they were MY evil thoughts.  Just letting my sin nature take over one time had caused enormous internal sin.  It disgusted me.

In that time of sin I thought of suicide (don't worry I'm not depressed or particularly troubled), vague life without a spouse (not necessarily divorce, but a what if he weren't around) , flying away for some me time (running from confrontation and my problems) and other bad things.

I can't believe I (who love Ben and my family very much) could think of those things under any circumstance.  God revealed my pride (and self-righteousness) and my ability to sin in such a low pressure  simple situation as my husband not buying me a drink!  What a sinful self exalting person I am!  

It was depressing to think I could be so mean... God let those thoughts fester and rub me for a week before showing me the gem.  God used that to make me think and wrestle more with my thoughts and this is what it produced:

Election - God chose me!?!  I wanted to think that.  To be thankful that God chooses some, but my fleshly pride made me think I, myself, was good and deserved God's favor.  Instead of thinking how sad I was to see that some people would die and go to hell.... I saw that even I a redeemed child of God am given over to sin.  If I can think these thoughts for a moment and I have the holy spirit in me fighting to keep sin away then certainly someone without that gift cannot fight the thoughts as effectively.  The thoughts I had show me my evil nature and that I did deserve hell.  God's choosing even one of us is a huge huge blessing. 

Being made like Christ - I have to admit although I knew myself to be wrong (hence the struggle) it bothered me that "I" was dying to myself and being "replaced" with Christ.  Oh how thankful I am that God made me struggle with that!  I have always seen myself as a good person, but when Ben told me that those (sinful) thoughts WERE mine.... I was disgusted!  How evil and sinful I am!  Thank you God that you are eradicating that cancer!  Thank you that you are killing me (my flesh) the mutated cancer of sin.  The person I always saw myself as (the actually good part that I believed was myself and my doing) is Christ in me!  The good part of me I was afraid was changing... is the renewed person God is transforming me into.  God is transforming the part of me that isn't who I like into the part I like.  I want to be made like Christ because that is the only part of myself I truly like.  I won't loose person-hood... Each of us make up a unique part of the bride of Christ, we are complete together!  We can't be made like Christ alone, He is infinite so it's gonna take a lot of different people renewed to reflect Him.  

Our powerlessness - It's a good thing we have no power in ourselves because our sinful flesh would be dangerous with any power.  God can use us and even allow us to be part of His power.  Christ living in us has power in us and possibly in others.  If the holy spirit didn't have power, I'd be completely given over to sin... so really there is power in me... just not my power.  To God be the glory for the work in me that I am very truly thankful for.  

There is still some mystery to these things... but the mystery of God is not for me, the revealed is for me and I praise God that He does reveal!

Running and exercise.

Why do I run?  I run to stay in shape and save money.  Just over a year ago I started getting back in shape. I was pregnant (again) and did not want to feel like a beached whale at the end of my pregnancy.

We joined a gym and regularly went.  We had a cool start package that got me 3 meetings with a personal trainer.  Those meetings told me 

1. How I was still not eating as healthy as I should although I'd already been moving the right direction

2. How to exercise safely while pregnant 

3. What my target post pregnancy weight should be according to my muscle weight.  

I did not start running during pregnancy, just doing muscle and aerobic exercising.  

I am happy to report that although the beach whale motivation is gone I now have better motives: Being healthy.  I've always wanted to be healthy, but not always known how.  For me the key is exercise (and eating right, but the exercise is way more important for me). 

Benefits in exercise for me:

1. I can eat more yummy food and not gain weight

2. My stronger muscles make me crave healthy food. (Eating a slice of pizza sounds disgusting after exercising and candy makes me gag)

3. It makes everyday task seem easier

4. I have less physical aches (except on the occasion when I overdo it, but that pain feels rewarding)

5. More energy and liveliness during the day/less sleepy.

6. It makes me have more self confidence/lack of self-consciousness.  

7. I fit into clothes I wore in high school and college!

I have always been in shape when I've been in some sort of sport.  So picking up a active hobby is just what I needed.  Running is best for me now because it is the most flexible mode of exercise... plus I love getting out of the house.

That said I want to clarify a little more.  Running has not been an easy choice all the time.  At first I got shin splints, a common beginner runner problem.  I eased up on my running (but still ran) and they went away.  Some days or weeks I just want to stay at home and be lazy.  Thankfully Ben has helped me through some of those days by being motivated himself to go.  Sometimes the only reason I run is to get out of the house and away from the kids for a half hour.  It clears my head and helps me regain control of my thoughts just by removing me from the situation so I can evaluate it.  

Overall I have improved my running, but not quickly and not a lot aside from the initial jump.  I can now run 3 miles if I am setting the pace and not looking at a clock.  I love going on running dates with Ben!  We run together and get to talk for an hour or more with no interruptions.  However for the most part my runs are solo.  Ben might go once a week on Saturday if the weather is nice and the house is clean.  

A New Start

I blogged once upon a time before I had kids.... not sure how long this will last, but we'll give it a try.

I've come to realize that I don't get enough adult interacts some weeks. Spending my entire day with a 2 year old and a 8 month old and hardly ever leaving the house is driving me crazy! More then once I've wanted to throw in the towel on being a stay at home mom. That said: yes I want visitors, yes I want to visit you.... Poor Ben comes home and I like a caged puppy just can't let him have quite relaxing time to explore his interest or even do his chores. The Bible study was helpful the past few months, but it's over and I once again stay home 5 days a week. I have to fight to go out on the weekends because Ben just wants to stay home for a while.

Recent hardships:

Potty training especially put on the pressure... I've always been good at teaching, I've never struggled in school... yet somehow I feel like a failure at potty training. I've taught basic math to math haters. As early as 5th grade I was helping teach reading to peers. My peers with similar aged kids that, have a toddler who can stay dry on a consistent basis and who poops in the potty at least sometimes.... Naomi is stubborn, won't pee without rewards and has never pooped in the potty. How can I fail to teach what has been said to be the first skill. The first thing that she wouldn't naturally learn and I can't seem to get it. I know she has the ability, she's proven it.

Am I doing something wrong?

Most days I don't manage to think about the outside world. It's like the 'Cedarville Bubble' (ignorance of the world around), but smaller.... It's the kid bubble. Naomi is smart, but she doesn't help me zoom out to see a bigger picture. I know teaching my kids is that best thing I can do, but it's hard! It's hard for an extravert like me to be caged and always restricted. I was once known for my spontaneity, now I use Google calendar to plan my lunch, my grocery trips, my exercise... I normally even enter 'spontaneous' events in the calendar before I do them.

I don't mean to sound all negative. Some of the changes are good. I appreciate routine now. The kids are so much happier on a schedule and are pleasant to be around. I wouldn't trade that for freedom. I love Naomi she is such a joy and so cute. She comes up with the craziest things... from returning her 'movies' (cards) to her 'redbox' (cabinet) to strumming her 'guitar' (racquetball racquet) while singing about the spider who gets washed out even when the sun comes back out. Josiah is the most pleasant baby I've ever seen. He's so laid back, he does now yell when Naomi takes his toys though.

I love being a mom and know this is what God has called me to. That doesn't make it easy though. I'd feel like I was better at my job doing research or teaching math.