Tennesssee

So we just moved to Tennessee, Knoxville to be more specific.  We live west of the city and Ben works north of where we live.  Knoxville seems a little small compared with Cincinnati, but it might just be more spread out.  I guess I've grown to be a city girl.  I do love Cincinnati!

Our apartment is nice, we have everything we need.  When we first walked in it felt like a nice hotel, but I've come to realize that it is much nicer then a hotel.  I've just grown so use to a house that moving in to an apartment is a little depressing.  My allergies have been crazy since we moved and it's been warm (high 50s).  I'm guessing that they've used lots of cleaning supplies and I am breathing them, it's even upset my taste.  The chemicals will wear off some so I hope this allergy/cold will.  

The kids have adjusted pretty well, the first day was a battle.  Part of the problem was not having established play areas and rules in general.  Josiah had to relearn 'don't come in the kitchen' and Naomi had to relearn, 'don't play with doors'.  We've gotten a membership to Children's Museums and so we have a new place to explore and get out some energy during the winter coolness.  

Naomi has stopped sucking her fingers so we've let her have nail polish on them again.  She loves nail polish now!  She even wants to watch when I paint my nails.  

I got my hair chopped off.  It's up to my shoulders and strangely I like it already.  I think this is probably the best hair cut I've ever had.  I do like longer styles most of the time, but my hair actually will stay flat with this style.  Normally I can't do a medium length because my hair is so thick.  Maybe I'll keep getting it cut to a medium length.  I did spend $40 which is more then I normally spend, but since we are getting paid a bit extra I went ahead and went to a salon that had great reviews online.  

I joined the choir at our local church.  It's more formal than I'm used to but I love singing with them.  The main reason I joined so quick was because they are singing my favorite choir piece at the end of the month.    John Rutter's Requiem, we are singing it with UT's choir on Sunday Feb 20th at 6:00pm for anyone interested.  I actually had never attended the church when I joined the choir, but it was fun to jump in so quick.  Hey I'm only living here a month so if I don't jump in, I'll never really have lived here.  The church is different then what I would normally seek because I very much agree with Grace Fellowship's distinctives, but the church is sound and a good diversifying experience.  The body of Christ is diverse and I don't see anything wrong with some people preferring a church with every available ministry to a church who promotes just one ministry.  I'll always prefer the focused church, but I have to admit I'm going to miss singing with the choir when we go back home.  I'm singing alto for the first time and it's fun to make a full sound by not singing melody all the time.  

Unfortunately we are not getting any tax benefits from living in Tennessee.  We are actually getting taxed more!  We are being paid from Ben's Cincinnati office and having taxes taken out there, but also having to pay higher taxes on purchases.  Oh well they compensate us in other ways.  

We'll be back in KY for the weekend to attend a Barnabas team meeting and to go to a check-up appointment.  No update on Josiah, I've called the doctor's office and somehow they don't have the results yet.  

Post seizure lessons

Sometimes you learn things in one moment and sometimes you learn them over time and they are tested in one moment.  For me this was a test.  My theology has grown over the past 5-10 years tremendously.  I've learned so so so so much head knowledge.   I don't remember exactly but at least 10 Bible classes on top of churches, Sunday schools and small groups.

When I was in college there was one particular class that taught me to think through the Bible myself and I had to form opinions on things myself.  I was in a personal evangelism class and my group was assigned the topic 'sin'.  We had 10-12 questions to answer including 'what is the origin of sin' and 'is there an age of accountability'.   The paper ended up being almost 20 pages.  We split the questions up and I actually didn't answer 'is there an age of accountability' but that is when I started thinking about it.  I had all this head knowledge of how bad sin was and how much we needed forgiveness.  I was still self-righteous and didn't really know in my heart how utterly sinful my flesh is.

Fast forward to last year.  I learned how sinful I was, I sinned in my mind, so much, one night riding home from small group.  I'd asked Ben to stop to get something to drink because I was very thirsty.  He said no and I wasn't satisfied with that.  I've told this story in person and on my blog so I won't retell it.  That night I saw how black and ugly my flesh was.  I saw that given over to my flesh I sinned with almost every thought.  That is when my self-righteousness was broken.  Then I learned that I deserve hell, given over to my sinful nature I do deserve hell, BUT GOD... he saved me and has forgiven me.  Next I thought through this issue of children who die before accepting Christ.

A friend has pondered this with me and shed some interesting light on the matter.  My friend said that if she KNEW and were 100% confident that children who die before a certain (specific) age go to heaven, she said she would probably consider killing her children before they got to old to risk hell.  This sounds harsh and sound cruel, but think about it... if you knew you could guarantee a spot for your children in heaven, why risk letting them make the choice?   Since this is not the case we don't know with 100% certainty... then we are left with a factor that cannot be defined like my mathematical mind would prefer.

That conversation comforted me that the Bible didn't specifically address children's deaths.  However I still didn't know what happens, because I'm not specifically told.  I wanted some verses and I wanted some assurance that if my children died they would not be going to hell.  Otherwise why have kids at all?  If I had been left to plan when I had children on my own I would have waited until I was theologically satisfied.  But God in his plan decided to bless me in the first months of marriage with a pregnancy.  So I had Naomi and didn't know what would happen to her if she died.


So there I was at the hospital, holding Josiah after his seizure.  We were going to start a CT scan to see if anything was wrong with his brain.  That is when I thought 'what if he has a brain tumor or something fatal... what will happen to him?'  I held him knowing it was decision time.  Do I trust God?  I knew in just a few moments I would loose the chance to be assured.  I'd either be relieved and never know where I stood with God or have to rely on God for strength.  Did I trust him with Josiah's life?  Did I believe that he would be good and do right?  I cried.  I decided 'yes, I trust you, even with Josiah.  He is yours and has been yours and I just have the privilege to raise him and love him.  If you take him I will be full of greif, but I know You are good."

I opened my hands and stopped trying to hold on to Josiah's life and decided to trust God.  Such fear and peace have never met in me before.  I did fear loosing Josiah, but I chose to trust God and leave it in His almighty, powerful, loving hands.  I am SO thankful God blessed me with Josiah and is continuing that blessing. My hands are open, I will not hold on to anything in this world.  God is so good!  Even when he test me He doesn't always make the worst happen.  I've often though if I trust God, He'll take things away.  What a wrong theology!  God is good!  I've been afraid to long of loosing things I love, but God has shown me that I fear for nothing.  Not a single thing I've feared has happened yet.  All that fear, for nothing.  I will open my hands and trust God, even if bad things happen (which they will eventually) I have to trust Him.  God is not mean, He doesn't often bring such hard trials and when they come they don't always end bad.  Why fear?  Why worry?  Let tomorrow worry about itself.  I am free from worry!

So today this is my song:

I lift my hands open wide, let the whole world sing
how you've loved, how you died, how you set me free!
Free at last I surrender all I am, with open hands
with open hands