Sometimes you learn things in one moment and sometimes you learn them over time and they are tested in one moment. For me this was a test. My theology has grown over the past 5-10 years tremendously. I've learned so so so so much head knowledge. I don't remember exactly but at least 10 Bible classes on top of churches, Sunday schools and small groups.
When I was in college there was one particular class that taught me to think through the Bible myself and I had to form opinions on things myself. I was in a personal evangelism class and my group was assigned the topic 'sin'. We had 10-12 questions to answer including 'what is the origin of sin' and 'is there an age of accountability'. The paper ended up being almost 20 pages. We split the questions up and I actually didn't answer 'is there an age of accountability' but that is when I started thinking about it. I had all this head knowledge of how bad sin was and how much we needed forgiveness. I was still self-righteous and didn't really know in my heart how utterly sinful my flesh is.
Fast forward to last year. I learned how sinful I was, I sinned in my mind, so much, one night riding home from small group. I'd asked Ben to stop to get something to drink because I was very thirsty. He said no and I wasn't satisfied with that. I've told this story in person and on my blog so I won't retell it. That night I saw how black and ugly my flesh was. I saw that given over to my flesh I sinned with almost every thought. That is when my self-righteousness was broken. Then I learned that I deserve hell, given over to my sinful nature I do deserve hell, BUT GOD... he saved me and has forgiven me. Next I thought through this issue of children who die before accepting Christ.
A friend has pondered this with me and shed some interesting light on the matter. My friend said that if she KNEW and were 100% confident that children who die before a certain (specific) age go to heaven, she said she would probably consider killing her children before they got to old to risk hell. This sounds harsh and sound cruel, but think about it... if you knew you could guarantee a spot for your children in heaven, why risk letting them make the choice? Since this is not the case we don't know with 100% certainty... then we are left with a factor that cannot be defined like my mathematical mind would prefer.
That conversation comforted me that the Bible didn't specifically address children's deaths. However I still didn't know what happens, because I'm not specifically told. I wanted some verses and I wanted some assurance that if my children died they would not be going to hell. Otherwise why have kids at all? If I had been left to plan when I had children on my own I would have waited until I was theologically satisfied. But God in his plan decided to bless me in the first months of marriage with a pregnancy. So I had Naomi and didn't know what would happen to her if she died.
So there I was at the hospital, holding Josiah after his seizure. We were going to start a CT scan to see if anything was wrong with his brain. That is when I thought 'what if he has a brain tumor or something fatal... what will happen to him?' I held him knowing it was decision time. Do I trust God? I knew in just a few moments I would loose the chance to be assured. I'd either be relieved and never know where I stood with God or have to rely on God for strength. Did I trust him with Josiah's life? Did I believe that he would be good and do right? I cried. I decided 'yes, I trust you, even with Josiah. He is yours and has been yours and I just have the privilege to raise him and love him. If you take him I will be full of greif, but I know You are good."
I opened my hands and stopped trying to hold on to Josiah's life and decided to trust God. Such fear and peace have never met in me before. I did fear loosing Josiah, but I chose to trust God and leave it in His almighty, powerful, loving hands. I am SO thankful God blessed me with Josiah and is continuing that blessing. My hands are open, I will not hold on to anything in this world. God is so good! Even when he test me He doesn't always make the worst happen. I've often though if I trust God, He'll take things away. What a wrong theology! God is good! I've been afraid to long of loosing things I love, but God has shown me that I fear for nothing. Not a single thing I've feared has happened yet. All that fear, for nothing. I will open my hands and trust God, even if bad things happen (which they will eventually) I have to trust Him. God is not mean, He doesn't often bring such hard trials and when they come they don't always end bad. Why fear? Why worry? Let tomorrow worry about itself. I am free from worry!
So today this is my song:
I lift my hands open wide, let the whole world sing
how you've loved, how you died, how you set me free!
Free at last I surrender all I am, with open hands
with open hands
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