Life of Job (or so it feels)

So I've been thinking, God has been doing some serious work in my life.

This year has seen some real life 'suffering'.  I have thought I was Job for a moment or two, then I carefully looked at his life and realized my suffering is far from his...  but it has been suffering none the less.

I long to tell you of all the work God has done, share my suffering, share my help, and hopefully I will soon...

The problem is, when you are suffering you are often also busy.  That's where I am, suffering but busy.

I am actually doing much better thanks to my wonderful Mother-in-law, Linda, who counseled me.  She didn't counsel me in a formal way, but she saw my heart.  It was stuck looking at the problems and trying to fix them, but not looking at my Savior who was ready and waiting to help.  Words cannot express the gratitude I have for her and others like her who dare to speak truth.  Who dare to speak, when so many others see the same and just think 'she'll figure it out'.  I love those who speak truth to me.  I try to receive help well, but I can't promise I'll always will at first.  So many times I go back and think over what has been said to me and God uses it.  God uses others to help those who are suffering.  Had she not spoken, I still might be stuck.  She got my attention and lovingly pointed me back to help, back to Jesus.  The One who was pursuing me in my suffering.

Alas I must go and tend the children, but more to come on this later.  

Nothing is Wasted

I feel like over the past 3 weeks I've really been being taught that "Nothing is Wasted" as Jason Gray sings.  God promises his children that He works all things together for our good.  People quote this all the time, but do they believe it?  I am starting to believe it more.

I have theories about what's been going on in my body, but truthfully God is the only one who really knows what happened and why.

After a very fast birth and almost feeling up to doing things again, I began to get worse.  I started cramping more and in general feeling bad.  So 9 days after giving birth I go back to the Doctor.  1:30 Thursday afternoon; my temperature was low, my blood pressure was low 94/46 (normally 107/76).  Also when he checked the height of my uterus it was higher then it had been when I was released (24 hours after birth) from the hospital.  It was all the way back up to my belly botten.

This is where I'm going to tell you details not everyone will want to hear so feel free to skip to the next paragraph.  He then decided I needed an internal check (although I think he already knew what the outcome would be).  I was still 2 cm dilated which normally you are almost closed.  He then tried to find out why (the painful part).  He found something still stuck inside, he said it was either a clot or possibly part of the placenta.  He told me he was going to try and get it out.  He tried and couldn't.  That's when he told me I probably needed a D&C to get it out.  It's possible my body would eventually get it out on it's own, but it hadn't yet so he thought it might not.

Summary for those who skipped ahead.  I needed a D&C as soon as there was an opening at the hospital.  This is the part where I cried.  Mostly there were so many unknowns that it scared me.  Could I continue nursing?  How long would the recovery be?  Was I in danger?  I didn't manage to express these things right away, I was shocked something was actually wrong.  This is the part that took all my efforts.  Trying not to be scared or panic.  It isn't really that the procedure is very dangerous, I just didn't know enough.  Instead of looking up things online about it, which might comfort or might scare me, I just went on with life and prepared.  I can't say that I felt a lot better that day, but the next day when I had to go in for surgery I was a bit calmer.  Then I pulled out my Bible verse sheet that I had made for labor (thinking I'd need someone to recite them to me during my 'long labor').  I worked on memorizing the verse I had starred.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I memorized it before I went back into surgery and I was not afraid any more.

The procedure was short and it was 'tissue' (not a clot) stuck inside.  I remember waking up in a lot of pain, probably because my uterus was already sore from 9 days of cramping.  They gave me pain meds that made me loopy.  I remember talking with the Doctor and I remember my recover nurse, I asked her a lot of questions about the monitors.  They released me to go home around lunch time.  Then we napped for a few hours then, Ben, Nathanael and I went to bed early.  Ben was so tired, I was drugged and Nathanael was happy.

I am so thankful for the help, Meghan (my sister-in-law) watched the older kids, and Linda (my mother-in-law) watched Nathanael.  Ben took care of me and pretty much did anything I or Nathanael needed.  He stayed home from work more then we had planned, but it all worked out (now we just don't have as much vacation).

This week the kids got a stomach virus, glad my mom was here to help.  Then less then a week after surgery, I get the stomach virus.  Not fun, but I am healing from it now too.  To be honest my attitude struggled more with the virus then birth or surgery.  Sometimes the little things are harder.

Birth Story

While I'm brave enough to think about this, I'll write.  

To really appreciate this you have to understand my expectations...  Josiah's birth was not quick for a second child.  Naomi wasn't quick for a first.  I expected Nathanael to be not quick for a third... I was wrong.  I arrived at the hospital at 5 cm with Naomi and labored for 18 hours after that.  I arrived at the hospital with Josiah at 7 cm and labored 4 hours after that (typically only 2).  So I expected to have a few hours to spare when I went to the hospital.  

Back story of being overdue:

I started dialating at 37 weeks with Nathanael, week by week there was very little change.  37 weeks 1 cm 0% effaced.  38 no change.  39 weeks 2 cm 30% effaced.  40 2 cm and 90% effaced.  41 and 2 days... (his birth morning) I didn't let them check (I should have).

For weeks my small group has been praying for me not to worry about birth and it being long.  Also praying that I be patient waiting on Nathanael's arrival.  

Wednesday February 20th (9 days past estimated due date)

Tuesday night I had some contractions (more of the same I've been having for weeks)  Middle of the night I woke up and noticed I was having some and that they were longer.  I tried not to get my hopes up that it was real labor (to many false alarms) so I told myself: go to sleep if it's real labor you'll need it and if it's false labor you will need the sleep also.  I wake up and there are not really any contractions  maybe a few but they were shorter then the middle of the night ones.  So I go to the Dr as schedule and have my Non-Stress Test and Ultrasound.  Peanut (the pre-born baby's nickname) passed all 5 test saying that he was safe to stay in for the rest of the week.  I skipped the checking of dilation for fear I hadn't changed... I was probably 4 or 5 cm and on the verge of true labor.  

12:30 first contraction.

1:30 they are getting stronger and not leaving when I sit walk or lay down... maybe this is true labor.

2:00 I call Ben... I think labor has started you should wrap up and head home.

2:15 I read to the kids and have long pauses during contractions

2:30 This is definatly labor come home and help me relax.

3:00 Ben arrives home.

3:30 Ben tells me we should call the doctor to see when they want me to come in.  (4-6 mins apart 45-90 secs)

We call then suddenly they are 3 mins apart almost every time...

Call Ben's mom and ask her to come...

Ben starts moving car seats taking the recycling out and getting us ready to leave.  

4:15 I stand up after a contraction to go downstairs and make in 5 ft to the end of the bed and have to sit for one...

I sit as Ben load the car and we let his mom know where the kids things are...

4:30 I had to wait a few contrations to get up... they were probably nearly on top of each other...

I was probably IN Transition at this point, but I had stopped timing and paying attention to the spacing and just was trying to relax to get to the hospital... 

Then I was thinking I might want some drugs if I have much longer to go, I wish I had them now.

So we had to drive in rush hour traffic.  About 15 mins into the ride we started hitting traffic....

I told Ben I thought I was near the end of labor and he needed to drive in the shoulder NOW or take me to a closer hospital.  

Bumpy 25 MPH shoulder drive, while in transition... I DO NOT RECOMMEND   

Somehow I didn't panic and could still relax.  I was quoting worship songs I had been listening to and praying that we would make it to the hospital.  

About 4 miles from our exit (still driving the shoulder) I start getting heat waves after every contraction....  

"Ben I'm in transition" the end of it (which he knows Josiah was born first push after the shakes)

Exit arrives... I get the shakes 

Ben runs the hospital stop signs and parks in the Handicap parking by the emergency room.  I tell him 'run get a chair' and he runs.  

So much happens in the next few minutes

I get into the chair after a contraction they push me 10 feet into the entrance and my water breaks (with much relief and tingling).  

5:10

The contractions space out (end of transition)

I feel the baby descend with every contraction and almost pop back in afterward.  Twice I ask them just to put me on a bed in the ER as they are pushing me toward Labour and Delivery.  They check between contractions and the head isn't coming out at the moment, so they tell me we have to go up to the birthing floor.  I wanted to yell and argue, but now I am glad that he was born in a germ zone.  

I've always had a strong urge to push near the end of transition (during the shakes) and afterward.  Somehow I was able to surpress that and not push for the 4 minute trip from the car to my labor room.  

I actually scream/yelled during one contraction while holding myself flat and trying not to push.  (never screamed in labor before)

I had 3 contractions from the car to the labor room.  The 4th one I was on the delivery table but no one was there and ready, they were putting gloves on.  I didn't push, but a nurse watch and saw his head come part of the way down the go back up.  She was able to tell the resident there was no need to check me.  Also they got the doppler out and was searching for a heartbeat and I just said, He's coming out and he's been moving between contractions.  Finally the Resident was ready (probably only took her 30 seconds, but it seemed long) so I pushed.  He came out, but I wasn't sure because there was still pressure.  They held him partly in to unwrap the umbilical cord from around his neck, so the pressure was still there, next contraction the rest of him was out and he cried.  

5:14 pm

Ben cut the cord (he actually wasn't planning to, but it happend so quick that he didn't hesitate)

Ben was very brave, he knew he might have to catch this baby as soon as we were driving in the shoulder.  

Thank you God for protecting us on our trip and thank you that you answered those dozens of prayers Ben and I were praying in the car to have the baby wait until we were in the hospital.  

Doctor Bowen arrived about 10 minutes after the birth and finished up the after birth and checks.  

Both of us are healthy and I didn't even have micro-tears.

It was so fast I am still in shock and scared to think about it.  

One little, two little, three little...

So about 2 weeks after my race I tried to run again... it was so slow going and still is.  At first I thought, I must be injured and not realize it.  I think I had a slightly brused heal... but now I have a new theory... my body already knew I was pregnant.

So what does pregnancy look like for me?

So about 2 days before my missed cycle I started feeling nauseous.  A few days later I realized I no longer like Chocolate or sweets in general and do like fish and meat more then I did before.    

I eat every 30 mins and never feel full.   At dinner it has taken me almost 3 hours to eat one PB&J.  Feeling hungry is good, since that means I don't feel nauseous at the moment (but I have to eat a bite or two or it will turn to nausea).

Often when I ride in a car we have to pull over to let my nausea calm down.  It's getting better with the aid of Ginger.

The thought of driving for more then 30 mins almost makes me cry (it's will if I ever think I'll have to actually do it).  

I try to talk about anything remotely confrontational, I cry.  Once I've cried in the last 10 mins anything can make me cry (even helpful things).  I think I cry about once a day for some reason or another.

I go to bed before 9pm, sleep 10 hours, and can still take a hour+ nap the next day.  Then sometimes still feel tired...

Baby Sprague #3 coming in February.  

One little, two little, three little Spragues.  (for now that's where the song stops)

Half Marathon Race

So this is a long post, but I think it's worth the time to read.  Hopefully my narration is good.  

Since January I've been training for a race.  Just to get to race day I had to be commited, persevere and learn to endure.  When it comes to actual race day you have nothing left to do but try to follow your plans and finish the race.  I planned to start the race reserved, so that I wouldn't burn out halfway through the race.  I hoped to find my running partner who I had run half my long runs alongside.  I was prepared as I could be...

Race day:

I found my running partner before the race and even saw Candace Nordine (bonus!) before the race.  I told my running partner about how Candace ran most her runs alone and then was able to talk about why she was running.  

My running partner and I paced ourselves and for the first 6 miles we ran side by side.  We were right on target pace (given the less then ideal heat).  It was only mid 60s to low 70s, but it felt hot! The sun was bright.  I managed to spot Ben and Naomi at the two prearranged veiwing spots.  The first 5.5 miles were done, now for the uphill.  I told my running partner, this is a race, run your race and leave me behind if I'm slowing you down.  She eventually did and I kept her in sight most of the hill, but my breathing got too labored and I had to slow down.  I coached myself and knew the down hill is where I make up time.  I still had hope of finishing on target.  I kept telling myself "this is what you've worked/trained for, give it your all".  I pushed through the pain.

My all, I gave...  I was going slower then when I practiced the hill during my 10 and 12 mile runs.  But I still encouraged myself: just finish and give it your all.  The weather was to warm and humid to make for a great race.  I was getting discouraged, but it would soon be all down hill.  I remembered training on the route and that I really did do better after the hill.  


Suddenly when it was all downhill ahead... (between mile 10 and 11) my airway closed up.  I was in disbelief and shocked.  I hadn't felt this since running in high school for PE.  All this training and not one  asthma attack and now race day I have an asthma attack.  My airway felt as small as a pencil, I sounded as if I couldn't breath...  Slow deep breaths...  It was so strange.  I stayed calm pulled over (so to speak) and used my inhaler, 3 puffs (should have done one then waited to do more).  Then I walked for a while to test if it was working.  I had read that you wouldn't have another attack for 2 hours after your airway had closed... so after 5-10 mins of walking I thought I could run again.  I was misinformed.  Attack 2.  This time 2 puffs and I decided I'd probably have to walk the rest of the race or quit.  


I really wanted to just quit and blame asthma since my goal time wasn't attainable through walking.  Then I started thinking about the nearly 3 mile walk to the finish, how much longer it would take, and how I planned to make up time during the downhill.  I was discouraged and thinking negative unhelpful thoughts.  I then saw one of our trainers who was cheering (he'd finished) and he looked suprised at me walking.  My airway was a little constricted so I just said "asthma" and he said "do what you can".  Then I let my thoughs get worse... Attack 3.  2 more puffs.  I then realized that if I was to finish the race I could not let my thoughts bring on extra depression induced asthma attacks.  


It was then that I saw this as a trial/test.  Could I humble myself and walk to the finish when I had trained and was fully prepared for the race?  I had just listened to this song and needed to listen again...

Shall I take from your hand your blessing 

      yet not welcome any pain.

Shall I thank you for days of sunshine 

     yet grumble in days of rain (or hot/humid weather).

Shall I love you in times of plenty 

     and leave you in days of drought.

Shall I trust when I reap a harvest

     but when winter winds blow then doubt...

...Are you good only when I prosper?

And true only when I'm filled?

Are you King only when I'm carefree?

And God only when I'm well?

     You good when I'm poor and needy.

     You are true when I'm parched and dry.

     You still reign deepest valley.

     You're still God in the darkest night.

I prayed for the next while, God let me be satisfied.  Quite my restless heart.  I played the song (As long as you are Glorified) 2 or 3 more times and accepted a new goal.  Humbly finish the race by walking if I could.  My new thoughts were:

God chose this, for me.  God chose for my training and preparation to be answered with an asthma attack.  He chose this for me, what am I going to do?  Quit?  Grumble? Be angry? Or accept it and humbly finish my race with endurance? He knew that this is how it would go.  

I could not be more satisfied with the results of the race.  I failed to run the whole race, but I finished and learned to trust and accept God's plan for me.  I may have failed the race in my terms, but I eventually (through listening to scripture based worship) passed God's test for me.  I could not have done it on my own strength, I had to fight the rest of the time to control my thoughts.  

Instead of pride in my accomplishment, I see God's work in me.
Instead of panic, I trust God. 
Instead of turning to myself, I learned to rely and trust God to help me finish, and he did.
I also did not have the typical post race gloom, I'm still excited about what God did.  


Who knew I was really training for a test?  (I know that answer- God knew)

Proverbs 19:21  Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails

Post Race:

After the race I had a headache, was dizzy, felt nauseous, and sore.  Most from overuse of my inhaler. I also got a cold the next day and I had trouble sleeping (also caused slight over dose); however, my muscles weren't to sore and I had peace and closure from my training.  I was so excited to be done with my training and to have learned through my trial.  It's unexpected that I'm happy about not making my goal, but I am.

I even got to see myself right after the finish by watching a clip of Women's Full winner (time 1:39 of the clip) I walk past on left side of screen.

At that point in my running

So I'm at the point in my training where I ask myself... 'self, why did you sign up for this?'

I've had allergy/cold symptoms for a week and a half and I think it's the main cause of my lack of enthusiasm.  Also the development of a blister on my toe has caused some reservations.

I think I am back on the good side of the hill (of dislike), I expect to enjoy my exercise this week.

I just can't look too far ahead.  8.4 miles felt like undoable, yet I did... and the soreness should be gone tomorrow.  If I start thinking about 10 and 11 miles I really have a tough time...  That is nearing 2 hours of running which seems too long.  Alright choosing to not think about that until it comes.

Now if I can figure out how to banish this blister.  It doesn't really bother me, but it's not pretty and it's almost flip-flop season.  Also I am not convinced that it won't start hurting and start irritating me during runs.  Any advice?  It is on the tip of my second toe.

Now to choose thankfulness.  I am so thankful that I have to ability to run such long distances.  God has blessed me with health.  This is only the second cold (or allergy) battle I've had.  I haven't been throwing up sick and I can still run (just a little slower and easier then I would in normal health).  

I've committed to this, I will finish it if I can.

Runner's love and God's love

I'll start by quoting another runner:


"Running, to me, has always been an intricate juggle of pleasure and pain. I like a side order of suffering with my beauty or I just don't feel right; splendor without effort seems like cheating and diminishes my enjoyment (a concept that nonrunners, I've noted, don't often grasp)." -Michael Finkel


I find it so true.  I enjoy the pain that comes with training for races and just pushing myself physically.  Something about the soreness after a hard workout is so satisfying.  I've always been this way.  I enjoy a little pain in my accomplishments.  I enjoy disciplining my body.  Something about discipline is attractive to me (rightly so).  Being disciplined in eating or studies or other areas that require self-control are commonly admired, why not running?  

The Bible calls a Christian walk a race.  A race, I've learned, takes a lot of training and envolves pain and accomplishment.  Without the effort of pushing yourself to the threshold of pain you aren't sure you gave it everything you had.  The Christian walk is the same.  You must prepare for the race (or races).  Trials will come, but after them if you've trained there is accomplishment even if there was pain.  God uses trials to grow us and mature us just like training and races season runners and make them stronger and better.  I was sore for days after my last 10k race, but I knew I pushed myself safely to the edge of my ability which gave me pleasure in that pain.  When I discipline myself with household chores and scripture study, sometimes it's hard but in the end I am better for it.  

I don't want to sound like I enjoy running always, just the past saturday, I started a run (not enjoying it) and finished wishing I hadn't run.  Most of the time at the end of a run I'm glad, but this time I was numb from cold and didn't really have much enjoyment.  Those runs are rare.  

Just like in other areas of life, sometimes I just don't want to do it (like laundry, reading, dishes, etc).  It takes endurance, perseverance and discipline to finish well.  

¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ²who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 1:12 

Christ endured the Cross for us, let's press on and run our race.  

My next physical race will be the Flying Pig half-marathon, until then I press on.