Life of Job (or so it feels)

So I've been thinking, God has been doing some serious work in my life.

This year has seen some real life 'suffering'.  I have thought I was Job for a moment or two, then I carefully looked at his life and realized my suffering is far from his...  but it has been suffering none the less.

I long to tell you of all the work God has done, share my suffering, share my help, and hopefully I will soon...

The problem is, when you are suffering you are often also busy.  That's where I am, suffering but busy.

I am actually doing much better thanks to my wonderful Mother-in-law, Linda, who counseled me.  She didn't counsel me in a formal way, but she saw my heart.  It was stuck looking at the problems and trying to fix them, but not looking at my Savior who was ready and waiting to help.  Words cannot express the gratitude I have for her and others like her who dare to speak truth.  Who dare to speak, when so many others see the same and just think 'she'll figure it out'.  I love those who speak truth to me.  I try to receive help well, but I can't promise I'll always will at first.  So many times I go back and think over what has been said to me and God uses it.  God uses others to help those who are suffering.  Had she not spoken, I still might be stuck.  She got my attention and lovingly pointed me back to help, back to Jesus.  The One who was pursuing me in my suffering.

Alas I must go and tend the children, but more to come on this later.  

Nothing is Wasted

I feel like over the past 3 weeks I've really been being taught that "Nothing is Wasted" as Jason Gray sings.  God promises his children that He works all things together for our good.  People quote this all the time, but do they believe it?  I am starting to believe it more.

I have theories about what's been going on in my body, but truthfully God is the only one who really knows what happened and why.

After a very fast birth and almost feeling up to doing things again, I began to get worse.  I started cramping more and in general feeling bad.  So 9 days after giving birth I go back to the Doctor.  1:30 Thursday afternoon; my temperature was low, my blood pressure was low 94/46 (normally 107/76).  Also when he checked the height of my uterus it was higher then it had been when I was released (24 hours after birth) from the hospital.  It was all the way back up to my belly botten.

This is where I'm going to tell you details not everyone will want to hear so feel free to skip to the next paragraph.  He then decided I needed an internal check (although I think he already knew what the outcome would be).  I was still 2 cm dilated which normally you are almost closed.  He then tried to find out why (the painful part).  He found something still stuck inside, he said it was either a clot or possibly part of the placenta.  He told me he was going to try and get it out.  He tried and couldn't.  That's when he told me I probably needed a D&C to get it out.  It's possible my body would eventually get it out on it's own, but it hadn't yet so he thought it might not.

Summary for those who skipped ahead.  I needed a D&C as soon as there was an opening at the hospital.  This is the part where I cried.  Mostly there were so many unknowns that it scared me.  Could I continue nursing?  How long would the recovery be?  Was I in danger?  I didn't manage to express these things right away, I was shocked something was actually wrong.  This is the part that took all my efforts.  Trying not to be scared or panic.  It isn't really that the procedure is very dangerous, I just didn't know enough.  Instead of looking up things online about it, which might comfort or might scare me, I just went on with life and prepared.  I can't say that I felt a lot better that day, but the next day when I had to go in for surgery I was a bit calmer.  Then I pulled out my Bible verse sheet that I had made for labor (thinking I'd need someone to recite them to me during my 'long labor').  I worked on memorizing the verse I had starred.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I memorized it before I went back into surgery and I was not afraid any more.

The procedure was short and it was 'tissue' (not a clot) stuck inside.  I remember waking up in a lot of pain, probably because my uterus was already sore from 9 days of cramping.  They gave me pain meds that made me loopy.  I remember talking with the Doctor and I remember my recover nurse, I asked her a lot of questions about the monitors.  They released me to go home around lunch time.  Then we napped for a few hours then, Ben, Nathanael and I went to bed early.  Ben was so tired, I was drugged and Nathanael was happy.

I am so thankful for the help, Meghan (my sister-in-law) watched the older kids, and Linda (my mother-in-law) watched Nathanael.  Ben took care of me and pretty much did anything I or Nathanael needed.  He stayed home from work more then we had planned, but it all worked out (now we just don't have as much vacation).

This week the kids got a stomach virus, glad my mom was here to help.  Then less then a week after surgery, I get the stomach virus.  Not fun, but I am healing from it now too.  To be honest my attitude struggled more with the virus then birth or surgery.  Sometimes the little things are harder.

Birth Story

While I'm brave enough to think about this, I'll write.  

To really appreciate this you have to understand my expectations...  Josiah's birth was not quick for a second child.  Naomi wasn't quick for a first.  I expected Nathanael to be not quick for a third... I was wrong.  I arrived at the hospital at 5 cm with Naomi and labored for 18 hours after that.  I arrived at the hospital with Josiah at 7 cm and labored 4 hours after that (typically only 2).  So I expected to have a few hours to spare when I went to the hospital.  

Back story of being overdue:

I started dialating at 37 weeks with Nathanael, week by week there was very little change.  37 weeks 1 cm 0% effaced.  38 no change.  39 weeks 2 cm 30% effaced.  40 2 cm and 90% effaced.  41 and 2 days... (his birth morning) I didn't let them check (I should have).

For weeks my small group has been praying for me not to worry about birth and it being long.  Also praying that I be patient waiting on Nathanael's arrival.  

Wednesday February 20th (9 days past estimated due date)

Tuesday night I had some contractions (more of the same I've been having for weeks)  Middle of the night I woke up and noticed I was having some and that they were longer.  I tried not to get my hopes up that it was real labor (to many false alarms) so I told myself: go to sleep if it's real labor you'll need it and if it's false labor you will need the sleep also.  I wake up and there are not really any contractions  maybe a few but they were shorter then the middle of the night ones.  So I go to the Dr as schedule and have my Non-Stress Test and Ultrasound.  Peanut (the pre-born baby's nickname) passed all 5 test saying that he was safe to stay in for the rest of the week.  I skipped the checking of dilation for fear I hadn't changed... I was probably 4 or 5 cm and on the verge of true labor.  

12:30 first contraction.

1:30 they are getting stronger and not leaving when I sit walk or lay down... maybe this is true labor.

2:00 I call Ben... I think labor has started you should wrap up and head home.

2:15 I read to the kids and have long pauses during contractions

2:30 This is definatly labor come home and help me relax.

3:00 Ben arrives home.

3:30 Ben tells me we should call the doctor to see when they want me to come in.  (4-6 mins apart 45-90 secs)

We call then suddenly they are 3 mins apart almost every time...

Call Ben's mom and ask her to come...

Ben starts moving car seats taking the recycling out and getting us ready to leave.  

4:15 I stand up after a contraction to go downstairs and make in 5 ft to the end of the bed and have to sit for one...

I sit as Ben load the car and we let his mom know where the kids things are...

4:30 I had to wait a few contrations to get up... they were probably nearly on top of each other...

I was probably IN Transition at this point, but I had stopped timing and paying attention to the spacing and just was trying to relax to get to the hospital... 

Then I was thinking I might want some drugs if I have much longer to go, I wish I had them now.

So we had to drive in rush hour traffic.  About 15 mins into the ride we started hitting traffic....

I told Ben I thought I was near the end of labor and he needed to drive in the shoulder NOW or take me to a closer hospital.  

Bumpy 25 MPH shoulder drive, while in transition... I DO NOT RECOMMEND   

Somehow I didn't panic and could still relax.  I was quoting worship songs I had been listening to and praying that we would make it to the hospital.  

About 4 miles from our exit (still driving the shoulder) I start getting heat waves after every contraction....  

"Ben I'm in transition" the end of it (which he knows Josiah was born first push after the shakes)

Exit arrives... I get the shakes 

Ben runs the hospital stop signs and parks in the Handicap parking by the emergency room.  I tell him 'run get a chair' and he runs.  

So much happens in the next few minutes

I get into the chair after a contraction they push me 10 feet into the entrance and my water breaks (with much relief and tingling).  

5:10

The contractions space out (end of transition)

I feel the baby descend with every contraction and almost pop back in afterward.  Twice I ask them just to put me on a bed in the ER as they are pushing me toward Labour and Delivery.  They check between contractions and the head isn't coming out at the moment, so they tell me we have to go up to the birthing floor.  I wanted to yell and argue, but now I am glad that he was born in a germ zone.  

I've always had a strong urge to push near the end of transition (during the shakes) and afterward.  Somehow I was able to surpress that and not push for the 4 minute trip from the car to my labor room.  

I actually scream/yelled during one contraction while holding myself flat and trying not to push.  (never screamed in labor before)

I had 3 contractions from the car to the labor room.  The 4th one I was on the delivery table but no one was there and ready, they were putting gloves on.  I didn't push, but a nurse watch and saw his head come part of the way down the go back up.  She was able to tell the resident there was no need to check me.  Also they got the doppler out and was searching for a heartbeat and I just said, He's coming out and he's been moving between contractions.  Finally the Resident was ready (probably only took her 30 seconds, but it seemed long) so I pushed.  He came out, but I wasn't sure because there was still pressure.  They held him partly in to unwrap the umbilical cord from around his neck, so the pressure was still there, next contraction the rest of him was out and he cried.  

5:14 pm

Ben cut the cord (he actually wasn't planning to, but it happend so quick that he didn't hesitate)

Ben was very brave, he knew he might have to catch this baby as soon as we were driving in the shoulder.  

Thank you God for protecting us on our trip and thank you that you answered those dozens of prayers Ben and I were praying in the car to have the baby wait until we were in the hospital.  

Doctor Bowen arrived about 10 minutes after the birth and finished up the after birth and checks.  

Both of us are healthy and I didn't even have micro-tears.

It was so fast I am still in shock and scared to think about it.  

One little, two little, three little...

So about 2 weeks after my race I tried to run again... it was so slow going and still is.  At first I thought, I must be injured and not realize it.  I think I had a slightly brused heal... but now I have a new theory... my body already knew I was pregnant.

So what does pregnancy look like for me?

So about 2 days before my missed cycle I started feeling nauseous.  A few days later I realized I no longer like Chocolate or sweets in general and do like fish and meat more then I did before.    

I eat every 30 mins and never feel full.   At dinner it has taken me almost 3 hours to eat one PB&J.  Feeling hungry is good, since that means I don't feel nauseous at the moment (but I have to eat a bite or two or it will turn to nausea).

Often when I ride in a car we have to pull over to let my nausea calm down.  It's getting better with the aid of Ginger.

The thought of driving for more then 30 mins almost makes me cry (it's will if I ever think I'll have to actually do it).  

I try to talk about anything remotely confrontational, I cry.  Once I've cried in the last 10 mins anything can make me cry (even helpful things).  I think I cry about once a day for some reason or another.

I go to bed before 9pm, sleep 10 hours, and can still take a hour+ nap the next day.  Then sometimes still feel tired...

Baby Sprague #3 coming in February.  

One little, two little, three little Spragues.  (for now that's where the song stops)

Half Marathon Race

So this is a long post, but I think it's worth the time to read.  Hopefully my narration is good.  

Since January I've been training for a race.  Just to get to race day I had to be commited, persevere and learn to endure.  When it comes to actual race day you have nothing left to do but try to follow your plans and finish the race.  I planned to start the race reserved, so that I wouldn't burn out halfway through the race.  I hoped to find my running partner who I had run half my long runs alongside.  I was prepared as I could be...

Race day:

I found my running partner before the race and even saw Candace Nordine (bonus!) before the race.  I told my running partner about how Candace ran most her runs alone and then was able to talk about why she was running.  

My running partner and I paced ourselves and for the first 6 miles we ran side by side.  We were right on target pace (given the less then ideal heat).  It was only mid 60s to low 70s, but it felt hot! The sun was bright.  I managed to spot Ben and Naomi at the two prearranged veiwing spots.  The first 5.5 miles were done, now for the uphill.  I told my running partner, this is a race, run your race and leave me behind if I'm slowing you down.  She eventually did and I kept her in sight most of the hill, but my breathing got too labored and I had to slow down.  I coached myself and knew the down hill is where I make up time.  I still had hope of finishing on target.  I kept telling myself "this is what you've worked/trained for, give it your all".  I pushed through the pain.

My all, I gave...  I was going slower then when I practiced the hill during my 10 and 12 mile runs.  But I still encouraged myself: just finish and give it your all.  The weather was to warm and humid to make for a great race.  I was getting discouraged, but it would soon be all down hill.  I remembered training on the route and that I really did do better after the hill.  


Suddenly when it was all downhill ahead... (between mile 10 and 11) my airway closed up.  I was in disbelief and shocked.  I hadn't felt this since running in high school for PE.  All this training and not one  asthma attack and now race day I have an asthma attack.  My airway felt as small as a pencil, I sounded as if I couldn't breath...  Slow deep breaths...  It was so strange.  I stayed calm pulled over (so to speak) and used my inhaler, 3 puffs (should have done one then waited to do more).  Then I walked for a while to test if it was working.  I had read that you wouldn't have another attack for 2 hours after your airway had closed... so after 5-10 mins of walking I thought I could run again.  I was misinformed.  Attack 2.  This time 2 puffs and I decided I'd probably have to walk the rest of the race or quit.  


I really wanted to just quit and blame asthma since my goal time wasn't attainable through walking.  Then I started thinking about the nearly 3 mile walk to the finish, how much longer it would take, and how I planned to make up time during the downhill.  I was discouraged and thinking negative unhelpful thoughts.  I then saw one of our trainers who was cheering (he'd finished) and he looked suprised at me walking.  My airway was a little constricted so I just said "asthma" and he said "do what you can".  Then I let my thoughs get worse... Attack 3.  2 more puffs.  I then realized that if I was to finish the race I could not let my thoughts bring on extra depression induced asthma attacks.  


It was then that I saw this as a trial/test.  Could I humble myself and walk to the finish when I had trained and was fully prepared for the race?  I had just listened to this song and needed to listen again...

Shall I take from your hand your blessing 

      yet not welcome any pain.

Shall I thank you for days of sunshine 

     yet grumble in days of rain (or hot/humid weather).

Shall I love you in times of plenty 

     and leave you in days of drought.

Shall I trust when I reap a harvest

     but when winter winds blow then doubt...

...Are you good only when I prosper?

And true only when I'm filled?

Are you King only when I'm carefree?

And God only when I'm well?

     You good when I'm poor and needy.

     You are true when I'm parched and dry.

     You still reign deepest valley.

     You're still God in the darkest night.

I prayed for the next while, God let me be satisfied.  Quite my restless heart.  I played the song (As long as you are Glorified) 2 or 3 more times and accepted a new goal.  Humbly finish the race by walking if I could.  My new thoughts were:

God chose this, for me.  God chose for my training and preparation to be answered with an asthma attack.  He chose this for me, what am I going to do?  Quit?  Grumble? Be angry? Or accept it and humbly finish my race with endurance? He knew that this is how it would go.  

I could not be more satisfied with the results of the race.  I failed to run the whole race, but I finished and learned to trust and accept God's plan for me.  I may have failed the race in my terms, but I eventually (through listening to scripture based worship) passed God's test for me.  I could not have done it on my own strength, I had to fight the rest of the time to control my thoughts.  

Instead of pride in my accomplishment, I see God's work in me.
Instead of panic, I trust God. 
Instead of turning to myself, I learned to rely and trust God to help me finish, and he did.
I also did not have the typical post race gloom, I'm still excited about what God did.  


Who knew I was really training for a test?  (I know that answer- God knew)

Proverbs 19:21  Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails

Post Race:

After the race I had a headache, was dizzy, felt nauseous, and sore.  Most from overuse of my inhaler. I also got a cold the next day and I had trouble sleeping (also caused slight over dose); however, my muscles weren't to sore and I had peace and closure from my training.  I was so excited to be done with my training and to have learned through my trial.  It's unexpected that I'm happy about not making my goal, but I am.

I even got to see myself right after the finish by watching a clip of Women's Full winner (time 1:39 of the clip) I walk past on left side of screen.

At that point in my running

So I'm at the point in my training where I ask myself... 'self, why did you sign up for this?'

I've had allergy/cold symptoms for a week and a half and I think it's the main cause of my lack of enthusiasm.  Also the development of a blister on my toe has caused some reservations.

I think I am back on the good side of the hill (of dislike), I expect to enjoy my exercise this week.

I just can't look too far ahead.  8.4 miles felt like undoable, yet I did... and the soreness should be gone tomorrow.  If I start thinking about 10 and 11 miles I really have a tough time...  That is nearing 2 hours of running which seems too long.  Alright choosing to not think about that until it comes.

Now if I can figure out how to banish this blister.  It doesn't really bother me, but it's not pretty and it's almost flip-flop season.  Also I am not convinced that it won't start hurting and start irritating me during runs.  Any advice?  It is on the tip of my second toe.

Now to choose thankfulness.  I am so thankful that I have to ability to run such long distances.  God has blessed me with health.  This is only the second cold (or allergy) battle I've had.  I haven't been throwing up sick and I can still run (just a little slower and easier then I would in normal health).  

I've committed to this, I will finish it if I can.

Runner's love and God's love

I'll start by quoting another runner:


"Running, to me, has always been an intricate juggle of pleasure and pain. I like a side order of suffering with my beauty or I just don't feel right; splendor without effort seems like cheating and diminishes my enjoyment (a concept that nonrunners, I've noted, don't often grasp)." -Michael Finkel


I find it so true.  I enjoy the pain that comes with training for races and just pushing myself physically.  Something about the soreness after a hard workout is so satisfying.  I've always been this way.  I enjoy a little pain in my accomplishments.  I enjoy disciplining my body.  Something about discipline is attractive to me (rightly so).  Being disciplined in eating or studies or other areas that require self-control are commonly admired, why not running?  

The Bible calls a Christian walk a race.  A race, I've learned, takes a lot of training and envolves pain and accomplishment.  Without the effort of pushing yourself to the threshold of pain you aren't sure you gave it everything you had.  The Christian walk is the same.  You must prepare for the race (or races).  Trials will come, but after them if you've trained there is accomplishment even if there was pain.  God uses trials to grow us and mature us just like training and races season runners and make them stronger and better.  I was sore for days after my last 10k race, but I knew I pushed myself safely to the edge of my ability which gave me pleasure in that pain.  When I discipline myself with household chores and scripture study, sometimes it's hard but in the end I am better for it.  

I don't want to sound like I enjoy running always, just the past saturday, I started a run (not enjoying it) and finished wishing I hadn't run.  Most of the time at the end of a run I'm glad, but this time I was numb from cold and didn't really have much enjoyment.  Those runs are rare.  

Just like in other areas of life, sometimes I just don't want to do it (like laundry, reading, dishes, etc).  It takes endurance, perseverance and discipline to finish well.  

¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ²who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 1:12 

Christ endured the Cross for us, let's press on and run our race.  

My next physical race will be the Flying Pig half-marathon, until then I press on.

Czech Republic Overview.

Ben and I just got back from a trip to the Czech Republic to encourage some friends that are there.

I don't know where to start when talking about this trip.

There is so much that we took in, I imagine it will take a while to process it all.

Not only did we get to see pretty much every site there was to see, but we also got to spend an enormous amount of time with our friends and their kids.  We lived with them for 10 days.  We very much enjoyed it.





General facts:

-We flew into Vienna and got to spend our 5 year anniversary in the city.
-Then we traveled to Brno, CZ which is where we spent most of our time.
-The first day we went out with the Dostals on our own I got injured.
A week and a half later my black eye is almost gone, and I'll only have a small scar on my forehead.
-We attended both churches they attend.
-We met almost all their regular contacts and had meals with several Czech families.
-We didn't get lost and didn't get stuck on any trams (some of them did break)
-We saw the busyness of their lives (even on their school break)
-I was shown love by having Abram ask to sit by me and hold my hand at most chances.
-I learned how difficult it is to communicate.
-We spent a day and a half in Prague.
-Learned how to grocery shop, go to the pharmacy, ask where a public restroom was, pay to use a restroom.
-We walked (almost) everywhere, even if we had to carry kids or groceries.
-Learned you can't hide your nationality when kids are with you.
-Paid for dozens of tram and bus tickets and never showed them to anyone.
-We hiked, ran, walked, played soccer, built forts, climbed stairs (often), walked,played some game with hockey sticks and a ball, carried kids, walked and climbed on cool playgrounds.  Lot's of walking.

Overall we had a lot of fun, learned a lot about living in the Czech Republic and a lot about the Dostal family.

It was a good trip for us, it has given us insight and encouragement; hopefully we were able to encourage the Dostals also.

Saved from...

Luke 7:36-50 the story of Jesus anointed by a sinful woman.

Jesus says that who much is forgiven there is much love.
7:47-Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.

Those of us who haven't had 'as much' forgiven.  How can we cultivate love for Christ?  When we campare ourselves to a perfect Holy God and recognize our sinful nature, then we can grow in love.  Our debt is greater then we imagine.  We forget how sinful we can be, we forget how unlike God we are.  We think "we're good", but we aren't.

I love Jesus much, not because I sinned much, but because I have been saved from my sin!  Because Christ is in me and changing me, I have been prevented from so much sin (through the conviction of the Holy Spirit).  I now realize when I see others sinning that that could be ME!  If I give in to sin I have the same capacity for sin that others have.  My heart was/is as fallen as others, the only reason I don't sin is because Christ transforming power at work in me.  His power saves me from sinning.  Those that don't have Christ don't have that power, they can't stop sinning.  That doesn't mean they are with excuse.  Christ understands our weakness, but he did something about it by becoming a man and dying for us.

For the first time I am thankful that my sin nature was not removed from me at salvation... My sin nature shows me what I am truly like and shows me that I am no different in myself (in my power) from the rest of the world.  Christ living in and through me is the difference.  He is the one that raised Himself from the dead and with that power changes me and keeps me from sin (when I submit to him).  The more I submit the easier it is to submit, the more I love, the easier it is to love.  Praise God not letting me forget what I have been saved from!  My conscience is clean and I am so thankful!

God saved me, Michelle Sprague, the wretched sinner by nature.

No more Monkeys jumping on the bed.

Although I am getting tired of that phrase, it seems a fitting title for this post.

Let's rewind a few days...  last Thursday the kids and I were reading books in my room on my bed.  Well Naomi somehow wasn't interested in reading the book I was readin to Josiah.  So I heard her bouncing and flet it.  I though she was being a frog (since we had a Forg and Toad book).  Next thing I know I head *thump* and crying.  Our kids get hurt often, but it's never been very serious so I wasn't concerned.  It's amazing how resilient God made our bodies.  So Naomi was really hurt this time.  She landed on her shoulder.  I decided a good nap without moving might cure the hurt, so I tuck her in laying flat and she is out in just a few minutes.  After nap she still hurt, but we made her go along with out plans.  Then Friday she was still screaming in pain and crying at certain movements. So... Mama called the doctor and the doctor said... bring her in.

After 1 pediatrician, different office for x-rays waiting to hear about the x-rays...  To make a long story short she broke /fractured her collar bone.  I though maybe dislocated shoulder,  but didn't think anything was cracked or broken.  Well 5 hours driving to and fro and talking with different nurses doctors (which all had the same remark about the monkey) all she has is a sling.  She'll heal on her own and after a few days won't even hurt anymore.

She is going to wear the sling.  At this point the sling is more for me then her.  She remembers which movements hurt, but I forget.  Tonight I let her take it off then went to pick her up to put her in a cart at Target... I made her cry.  So even though the sling in no longer necessary, until I can pick her up under her arm pits without making her cry a sling will be worn.

She looks so fragile in her sling, but is already wanting to run at full speed and play roughly.

For those at Grace:
Don't worry, I'm not.

Naomi and Josiah

Recently I've really gotten to see their personalities emerge.

Naomi is such a talker/communicator.  She LOVES learning... she reads some words and has some books memorized.  She loves letters, numbers, carrying things in bags, pretending to be a mom, pretending to be a princess, etc.  Recently she has started to ask about everything... While reading books she'll stop to ask what something is:  what is a cliff?  why are there hearts?  what does that mean?  So inquisitive!  I love my little learner and am excited to do more formal pre-schooling this year.

Josiah is just bursting with cuteness and he is much more imaginative then Naomi was at 2 (24 months) .  Driving his little steering wheel around.  He'll often join in on Naomi's pretend games and rescue her, slaying dragons or bad-guys.  He loves puzzles and seeing how things work.  So mathy and a puzzle lover like me.  He looks at things a lot, has great patiences for repeating experiments.  Opening chairs and looking underneath.  Spinning wheels on his cars and tractors.  Most things he does at full speed.  He is just two and runs to do everything unless some little something catches his eye on the way.  He has focus like Ben, I've noticed that from early on.  He can sit (when HE is interested) and do something for an hour.  But his attention span only stays as long as he chooses.  I can't contain his energy for long when he isn't focused.

I love them both so much!  Teaching them and training them is a challenge at times but is so filled with joy!

Chiropractor, Migraines, and Liver Cleanse

So I've been going to the Chiropractor for several months now.  It's amazing how much better I feel.  A few months ago I had 2 migraines back to back... I went to the Dr. and he said I should record more data.  I prayed that God would take these headaches away.  I started having them in my teens, 10 years of migraines that might have been prevented...

I week later I was walking in the Knoxville mall and some lady said I could have a free massage and even bring my kids.  I was looking for something to do so I signed up.  I went had my free massage and even got some free x-rays.  I knew they would find 'something' otherwise they wouldn't offer 'free' stuff.  Well after realizing that not taking care of my spine after my daring childhood and teens (including breaking things) was not so good.  He guessed that ALL or MOST of my headaches were caused by a misalignment of my neck.  My neck had a reverse curve.  So back here in KY I found a chiropractor.  I haven't had a migraine since (almost 3 months so far) and haven't even had an average of 1 headache a week.

So I trust my chiropractor more then my doctor because he has fixed something that dozens of doctors and a few hospitals missed.  I took a class one evening at Dr. Hay's (my Chiropractor).  He talked about liver cleanses.  One of the side effects are weight loss, but the main goal is to clean your body of toxins.  I went with this fancy expensive name brand, but I am convinced that now that I know the process I can duplicate it.  Water and lots of it does most of the work.  I've been drinking more than is required but ranging from 100 to 160 ounces a day.  I actually feel thirsty every few hours now.

Now for the liver Cleanse results:  I lost 10 pounds and didn't even gain any back during my week long vacation and not0quite-so-healthy eating.  I'd say that is real weight loss.  I added up all the calories and should have lost 4 pounds by simply eating less calories.  This means that I loss a bonus 6 pounds that were probably fat stored in my body containing toxins.  I have more energy and run faster too.

If you want to do a cleanse I recommend going to ebay and buying poor man's cleanse.  You buy instructions on how to buy your own equipment for a cleanse.  But if you have more money then time do a Isagenix Cleanse.  That is the one I did, but in the future I'll be doing the poor man's version.

Home and home.

I started this post back in March after our month in Tennessee, now it's finished.



Temporary living is hard, but has given us some insights to this other temporary living.  For those who don't instantly know what I mean I'll elaborate.

Heaven.  This is not our home.  God created us to be with Him in heaven.  Before I go and paint this beautiful picture of Heaven, my home, I want to say Heaven isn't everyone's home (more on that later).
I've longed for heaven most of my life.  It'd be so plesent to not have to fight the curse anymore.  No more pain or sorrow....  So many of the feelings and longings I flet while in Tennessee for a month have reminded me of the temperary nature of our lives here.  Knoxville was fun at times and hard at times.  This life on earth is that way.  We have taste of good and evil.  And one day we will be permanantly placed in a home of either good (with God) or evil (without God).

God made a beautiful perfect creation.  He made it for His own glory and enjoyment.  Then something we call sin entered the world.  Sin and God cannot be completly togather so he cast out the sinners from their perfect home. Since 'the fall' the Earth has been cursed, desise, cancer, earthquakes are all a result of that curse.  Pain in childbirth, desires to rule, and desires to be lazy are all part of that curse.  I can't wait til I am freed, completely and eternally, from the curse.  God gives me power to fight the curse and every time I do something right it's because God has freed me from sin and the Holy Spirit is aiding me to do right.  Nothing I do in my own strength is right, it's all Christ in me and His power that allow me to do right.


Coming soon, Pride and God's goodness.

Tennesssee

So we just moved to Tennessee, Knoxville to be more specific.  We live west of the city and Ben works north of where we live.  Knoxville seems a little small compared with Cincinnati, but it might just be more spread out.  I guess I've grown to be a city girl.  I do love Cincinnati!

Our apartment is nice, we have everything we need.  When we first walked in it felt like a nice hotel, but I've come to realize that it is much nicer then a hotel.  I've just grown so use to a house that moving in to an apartment is a little depressing.  My allergies have been crazy since we moved and it's been warm (high 50s).  I'm guessing that they've used lots of cleaning supplies and I am breathing them, it's even upset my taste.  The chemicals will wear off some so I hope this allergy/cold will.  

The kids have adjusted pretty well, the first day was a battle.  Part of the problem was not having established play areas and rules in general.  Josiah had to relearn 'don't come in the kitchen' and Naomi had to relearn, 'don't play with doors'.  We've gotten a membership to Children's Museums and so we have a new place to explore and get out some energy during the winter coolness.  

Naomi has stopped sucking her fingers so we've let her have nail polish on them again.  She loves nail polish now!  She even wants to watch when I paint my nails.  

I got my hair chopped off.  It's up to my shoulders and strangely I like it already.  I think this is probably the best hair cut I've ever had.  I do like longer styles most of the time, but my hair actually will stay flat with this style.  Normally I can't do a medium length because my hair is so thick.  Maybe I'll keep getting it cut to a medium length.  I did spend $40 which is more then I normally spend, but since we are getting paid a bit extra I went ahead and went to a salon that had great reviews online.  

I joined the choir at our local church.  It's more formal than I'm used to but I love singing with them.  The main reason I joined so quick was because they are singing my favorite choir piece at the end of the month.    John Rutter's Requiem, we are singing it with UT's choir on Sunday Feb 20th at 6:00pm for anyone interested.  I actually had never attended the church when I joined the choir, but it was fun to jump in so quick.  Hey I'm only living here a month so if I don't jump in, I'll never really have lived here.  The church is different then what I would normally seek because I very much agree with Grace Fellowship's distinctives, but the church is sound and a good diversifying experience.  The body of Christ is diverse and I don't see anything wrong with some people preferring a church with every available ministry to a church who promotes just one ministry.  I'll always prefer the focused church, but I have to admit I'm going to miss singing with the choir when we go back home.  I'm singing alto for the first time and it's fun to make a full sound by not singing melody all the time.  

Unfortunately we are not getting any tax benefits from living in Tennessee.  We are actually getting taxed more!  We are being paid from Ben's Cincinnati office and having taxes taken out there, but also having to pay higher taxes on purchases.  Oh well they compensate us in other ways.  

We'll be back in KY for the weekend to attend a Barnabas team meeting and to go to a check-up appointment.  No update on Josiah, I've called the doctor's office and somehow they don't have the results yet.  

Post seizure lessons

Sometimes you learn things in one moment and sometimes you learn them over time and they are tested in one moment.  For me this was a test.  My theology has grown over the past 5-10 years tremendously.  I've learned so so so so much head knowledge.   I don't remember exactly but at least 10 Bible classes on top of churches, Sunday schools and small groups.

When I was in college there was one particular class that taught me to think through the Bible myself and I had to form opinions on things myself.  I was in a personal evangelism class and my group was assigned the topic 'sin'.  We had 10-12 questions to answer including 'what is the origin of sin' and 'is there an age of accountability'.   The paper ended up being almost 20 pages.  We split the questions up and I actually didn't answer 'is there an age of accountability' but that is when I started thinking about it.  I had all this head knowledge of how bad sin was and how much we needed forgiveness.  I was still self-righteous and didn't really know in my heart how utterly sinful my flesh is.

Fast forward to last year.  I learned how sinful I was, I sinned in my mind, so much, one night riding home from small group.  I'd asked Ben to stop to get something to drink because I was very thirsty.  He said no and I wasn't satisfied with that.  I've told this story in person and on my blog so I won't retell it.  That night I saw how black and ugly my flesh was.  I saw that given over to my flesh I sinned with almost every thought.  That is when my self-righteousness was broken.  Then I learned that I deserve hell, given over to my sinful nature I do deserve hell, BUT GOD... he saved me and has forgiven me.  Next I thought through this issue of children who die before accepting Christ.

A friend has pondered this with me and shed some interesting light on the matter.  My friend said that if she KNEW and were 100% confident that children who die before a certain (specific) age go to heaven, she said she would probably consider killing her children before they got to old to risk hell.  This sounds harsh and sound cruel, but think about it... if you knew you could guarantee a spot for your children in heaven, why risk letting them make the choice?   Since this is not the case we don't know with 100% certainty... then we are left with a factor that cannot be defined like my mathematical mind would prefer.

That conversation comforted me that the Bible didn't specifically address children's deaths.  However I still didn't know what happens, because I'm not specifically told.  I wanted some verses and I wanted some assurance that if my children died they would not be going to hell.  Otherwise why have kids at all?  If I had been left to plan when I had children on my own I would have waited until I was theologically satisfied.  But God in his plan decided to bless me in the first months of marriage with a pregnancy.  So I had Naomi and didn't know what would happen to her if she died.


So there I was at the hospital, holding Josiah after his seizure.  We were going to start a CT scan to see if anything was wrong with his brain.  That is when I thought 'what if he has a brain tumor or something fatal... what will happen to him?'  I held him knowing it was decision time.  Do I trust God?  I knew in just a few moments I would loose the chance to be assured.  I'd either be relieved and never know where I stood with God or have to rely on God for strength.  Did I trust him with Josiah's life?  Did I believe that he would be good and do right?  I cried.  I decided 'yes, I trust you, even with Josiah.  He is yours and has been yours and I just have the privilege to raise him and love him.  If you take him I will be full of greif, but I know You are good."

I opened my hands and stopped trying to hold on to Josiah's life and decided to trust God.  Such fear and peace have never met in me before.  I did fear loosing Josiah, but I chose to trust God and leave it in His almighty, powerful, loving hands.  I am SO thankful God blessed me with Josiah and is continuing that blessing. My hands are open, I will not hold on to anything in this world.  God is so good!  Even when he test me He doesn't always make the worst happen.  I've often though if I trust God, He'll take things away.  What a wrong theology!  God is good!  I've been afraid to long of loosing things I love, but God has shown me that I fear for nothing.  Not a single thing I've feared has happened yet.  All that fear, for nothing.  I will open my hands and trust God, even if bad things happen (which they will eventually) I have to trust Him.  God is not mean, He doesn't often bring such hard trials and when they come they don't always end bad.  Why fear?  Why worry?  Let tomorrow worry about itself.  I am free from worry!

So today this is my song:

I lift my hands open wide, let the whole world sing
how you've loved, how you died, how you set me free!
Free at last I surrender all I am, with open hands
with open hands

Narrative: The most frightening moment of my life (so far)

     It was Thursday morning.  Josiah had been sick for two days and I was feeling it.   I was also feeling a little nauseous and tired myself.  The kids both were extra tired and allowed us all to sleep in until 9am.  I got up, went in the kids room, and picked up my boy to wake him slowly.  Treasuring the moment as he leaned, hugged, and lay on me; he's so cuddly and sickness makes him more so.  His fever had been 102.4 on Wednesday.  Next I felt his forehead and was quite relieved, his temperature was down almost to normal.  He felt a little warm, but sleeping does that to you sometimes.
     I ate half a bagel and half regretted it because I felt bad.  I knew this would be the hardest day of caring for the kids.  I was so tired I took Josiah in my room to lay down with him and read to him.  I called Ben to tell him I wasn't feeling good and also just to have company for  a few minutes to rally my strength to get through the day...  I ask him what time he got in and reminded him that he should probably take a few hours vacation to miss the big snow.  We've decided that to come home a hour or two early beats driving an extra hour or two in traffic hands down.
     I didn't even take the kids downstairs because neither of them were very hungry.  I brought some gatorade up for Josiah and then refilled it with juice and brought Naomi some also.  I fed Naomi some cheerios I think, but didn't want to upset Josiah's stomach so I just gave him lots to drink.
     It was only 10:30 or so and I decided a bath would do me more good then laying around.  It would be relaxing and get me clean.  I put both kids in their room for play time.  Josiah didn't want to but that was to be expected since he'd been spoiled during his sickness.  I don't know how long I was in there - I really had no concept of time that day because I slept in and had no normal routine that week.  I got out of the bath and got half dressed to go to check on the kids.
     During my bath I heard them talking with each other and occasionally griping about something.  I don't know how much chatter was Naomi talking by herself so I have no idea how long it had been since I'd heard from Josiah.
    I walked by their room and saw Josiah laying on the floor.  I thought, "Poor guy he must still be feeling bad."  He looked strange, his head was turned to one side and his eyes were over that way to.  I said something like "hey buddy, you ok?" because I wanted to see his eyes move.  That's when he started shaking.  In a way the shaking was better then not moving - I would have thought he was dead if he hadn't responded.  I rushed in and scooped him up to bring him in my room.  I looked for my phone - where was it when I needed it most?  Immediately I called 911 with urgency.  I could handle a seizure if someone was on the way.  I kept thinking how long had he been laying there?

     I rushed out all the information I could on the phone... I guess I thought someone would get here quicker if I spoke quickly.

"My son is having a seizure, he's only 17 months old.
I live at 1 4 3 Center Street in Bellevue
He's shaking"
"What's your name?" she asked
"Michelle Sprague S P R A G U E, my son is Josiah J O S I A H.
His lips are purple, I think he's choking"
"Do you know CPR?" she asked
"Yes, well sort of, it's been a while
I'm going to breath for him, he's not getting good breaths"

     Then the moment... His seizure ended it once rigid body went limp and he fell over.  I was holding him and I felt his life stop.  That moment... it will never leave me.  I had been sort of calm until now.

"He stopped!
He's not breathing!
His lips are blue
Josiah!"

I breath for him a few times and watched his chest rise with my breaths.  Then I paused and waited... he breathed again.  Relief rushed over me.

"He's breathing again.  He's not moving, I think he's unconscious, but he's breathing."
"Ma'am, help is on the way, I'm going to stay on the phone with you until they arrive"
"Ok"

   I had prayed with every thought the whole time and now my mind was saying: Oh God thank you, oh God thank you!  Over and over again.  I told the operator I was going to go downstairs with him and unlock the door for whenever help arrived.  I quickly picked up the first set of real clothes I saw and changed then went down with him, Naomi trailing.  Naomi hovered over him patted his belly and said "everything is going to be ok mom" "Josiah you're ok buddy" and other comforting things.
    Some firemen arrived took his vitals, he was still dosing in and out of consciousness.  They came in, I retold what had occurred and they told me we'd be going to the hospital.  My neighbor had come in when she saw firetrucks and ambulances parked outside.  I told her Josiah had had a seizure and she offered to watch Naomi.  I had put his coat on him and had Naomi get hers on and her boots.  I wrapped Josiah in a blanket and took him into the ambulance.
     I repeated everything I could remember, probably in too much detail, to the ambulance woman, two doctors and a nurse.  I held him for hours only letting go when told to.  Ben arrived, we had a CT done and after hours of being at children's were released.

This concludes the narrative portion.

Now we have a EEG scheduled because they weren't conclusive with the type of seizure Josiah had.  We will find out Thursday if he has epilepsy or if this was a non repeating seizure.  I'll write another post of the results and upcoming changes in our lives when things are more certain and times nailed down.  Just a heads up, we'll be moving for a few weeks and hopefully not more than that.

Dress Up

          Naomi has a new love for dressing up.
          She adds hula shirts uses story time dino feet
         and just makes up her own outfits from time
         to time.

         To the right is a picture of her making up an
         outfit.  I asked her what she was pretending
         and she told me that she is mommy.  She's
         wearing my cardigan and play glasses and
         apparently the alligator is a baby.

         Below is her on halloween... ignore the free
         hotdog in her hand.

        Next we come to the week after watching Marry Poppins... She came up with the hat
        scarf and pocket book all on her own.

        All the rest of these are just random days she asked to be 'Cinderella' or a princess.  Apparently
        all you need is a dress on top of your clothes to be a princess.  And yes Ben is dancing with
        Cinderella, don't worry I wasn't jealous.  I had too much fun laughing.  They had a great time!

Running, Weight Loss, and Health

So I've been loosing weight.  I've gone down 3 sizes over the past year.  I had 'baby weight' and inactivity weight that I had gained since high school.  At the most (fully pregnant) I was 60 pounds up from what I should be.  After I gave birth I was pretty quickly down to only 40 pounds overweight, the rest I had to work off (aided by nursing for 10+ months).

This past week I hit my healthy weight again.  That means over the last year I've lost 40 or more pounds.  People say 'I can't loose weight' or 'everything I try doesn't work'.  To that I say: you haven't tried the most simple and inevitable approach.  Calorie counting (accurately with measuring tools if necessary), exercise, and self-restraint.  YES it's hard, but it DOES work.

It might take a year or more, but the benefits are unbelievable!  I feel great.  I don't get tired doing daily activities.  I can chase my little (nearly) 3 year old until she can't run anymore.  I can run 5 miles!  and I fit into all those clothes I held onto for years hoping I could use them again.

I started running September last year.  I couldn't manage a mile then, but I've stuck with exercise and running and now I can run 5 miles.  I run 5 miles an hour, which isn't particularly fast.  My goal has been to be healthy and not waste money getting there.  That is how I decided to run, it's nearly free.  This Saturday I am running 6 miles.  I am training for a 10k (6.2 miles) on Thanksgiving.  I am excited to have a race to conclude my training.  I will continue to exercise after the race, but might not run more than once or twice every week or two.

I am not comfortable sharing my weight on here because most women aren't 6'2 and muscular like I am.  I had a body composition scan about 2 years ago and calculated what my weight should be by that.  I am at that weight and plan to loose 5-10 pounds more so that my weight can fluctuate and still stay in the healthy range.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and stare.  I can't believe I've finally done it.  Is it really me that looks like that?  I've seen changes while I've been working towards this and been encouraged by others.  I just want to say thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and noticed.  I have struggled with pride in this new look, so don't overdo it, but I am thankful for the notice and encouragement.  (Special thanks to  Becky D, Jen R, Betsy H, and Cori H who have been encouraging my running and noticing change regularly which has been a great help)

I did this to honor God with my body.  He gave me this body and I certainly should take care of it.  God designed me to look this way and even thought I've struggled in the past with my largeness I now realize that I am a healthy large woman.  I am part of the variety that God created and I am beautiful to God, my husband and myself.  It is so freeing not worrying about how my clothes fit me.  I don't have to change 10 times before leaving the house.  I am very thankful I've learn what healthiness should look and feel like and plan to stay healthy from now on.

I'm 24, I need to enjoy this body while it works as it should and bring God glory in doing so.

Thank you God for the way you designed my body and helping me to restore it to health.

Tough days

Today I woke up to 2 soiled kids.  Although with Naomi the potty training is pretty much complete she has accidents at bedtime and nap time.  Next I clean the kitchen while give the kids a rare treat to a veggie tales movie from the library... next Naomi comes in and says she has fuzz stuck to her hands.  I look and her fingers have clear polish on them and the living room has a strong odor of fingernail polish.  She reached up on one of the 'off limit' surfaces and grabbed the nail polish and decided she could do it without asking and by herself.  I think most of is on her nails, but she defiantly slung it around or something.    It's clear so it's been hard to find, but so far a beanbag chair the computer desk and yes the computer screen all have nail polish on them.  I might have gotten a tab bit more upset about it then I should, but I realized I was letting my emotions and feelings govern my parenting to much and just fed her lunch and sent her to bed.  I was so upset at the deliberate disobedience that I just needed to confine her away from me.  So nap time began more than an hour early with no toys or books.

Now to finish cleaning the kitchen and try to clean this mess up.  I might just let Ben clean the computer screen or decide to leave it how it is.  But first I'm going to go read my Bible and get my head back on the right way.

Fallen broken world. Hope?

Sometimes I just really hate living in a fallen broken world.  There are sickness neglect and so many hurtful things happening.  I'd be hopeless and in despair if I didn't know the future.  My hope is in the future.

My dad at 53 had a massive heart attach and his ejection fraction is at 20%.  I fight worry every time I think about him.  I do have hope and assurance.  I know my dad is a believer and if anything has assured me of that it has been the past 6 months and his reaction to this whole situation.  He constantly challenges my faith and how much I trust God.  I've seen God answer prayers prayed a long time ago.  God's power amazes me!  I hope I have many more years with my dad to see him grow and get to know the best parts of him.  I am glad God is changing me and I like others who God is changing and perfecting.

My Uncle has stage 3 cancer.  He had something like 45 lymph nodes, a vein and some muscle removed form his neck and shoulder area this week.  This is his second round with cancer and I'm really praying that God would use this in my families lives and heal my uncle.  My grandfather came to know Christ through a struggle with cancer and I hope good comes out of this.

I personally just have been so busy that I've not had enough time to reflect.  I think Ben was right when he decided to wait until next year to pursue foster care.  For those of you who do not know, we plan to start foster care next year some time and eventually (if it's God's will) we will adopt several kids.

I hate that there are kids out there who are just stuck in some system, I know I can help a few.  I can't help them all, but that shouldn't stop me from helping some.  I don't think I am the best parent, not by far.  But I have a hope and a future and I can share that even if I mess up all the time.  Sharing Christ with those who are 'without hope, dead inside' is something I am called to do.

I don't know that I ever realized I'd be a stay at home mom with a full time ministry in raising my own (and hopefully) other children.  I believe childhood is the most vulnerable stage of life and that reaching out to kids is very important.  I want to teach my kids and others about Christ love and power to change and save lives.

It makes me angry and sad and hurt when I see the state of this fallen world.  One day it will be made new and I want to bring others with me.  I am so thankful and in awe of Christ.

Sometimes I get so impatient waiting for that day, but then I remember that when it comes, it is the end-no more will be saved.  I have a small understanding of why God is allowing time to keep going, but I still want to be with him.  One day God will restore it all.

I'll leave you with this song:

My Lord, I did not choose You
For that could never be
My heart would still refuse You
Had You not chosen me
You took the sin that stained me
You cleansed me, made me new
Of old You have ordained me
That I should live in You

(Chorus) 
Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name
I was without hope and dead inside
But You chose to save my life

Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my darkened mind
The world would have enthralled me
To Your glories I’d be blind
My heart knows none above You
For Your rich grace I thirst
I know that if I love You
You must have loved me first

Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name

Jesus, You have saved me
And taken all my sin, all my sins away
Jesus, You have called me
Before the world began, to glorify Your name
I was without hope and dead inside
But You chose to save
I was without hope and dead inside
But You chose to save my life

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)